Dumb Things I Have Done Lately

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Dumb Things From Kickball, Part 3

Sunday, we had a practice/scrimmage with Lon's team.

I got there a little late, since I had decided to try out my skates.

Surprisingly, the bearings are not, in fact, ruined.

It was another beautiful day. I skated from Reston to Sterling and back, taking about 90 minutes.

I didn't carry any water, since I figured the water stops en route would be sufficient.

This, as it turns out, was a mistake.

I made it to the practice fields and joined the game already in progress.

I was playing outfield, which usually leads to head trauma of some sort.

When Lon was at bat, I knew he was going to kick it to me, in an attempt to put it over my head and generally make me look foolish.

So I backed up.

As predicted, the ball came at me, a little short. I sprinted forward and scooped it up at my feet.

I'm not sure if I fell, rolled or flipped, but I made the catch and ended up flat on my ass, with my legs splayed out in front of me.

Everything was fine, until I realized that both of my legs (quads) were so cramped up, I couldn't bend them.

Dehydration, and all that.

Eventually, with help, I hobbled off the field, and after some Gatorade (it was just like in the commercials), I recovered.

Dumb Things From Kickball, Part 2

So, we headed over to Kelly's Irish Times for the afterparty.

Nothing too crazy, since I've long since learned that I'm not really an afternoon drinker.

I was especially interested in going because there was an exceptionally cute brunette playing for the Bethesda team Off in Public (which lost in the finals) with whom I was keen on conversing, so as to better get to know her as a human being.

Anyway, the dumb part was not that I didn't talk to her. That would just have been par for the course.

The dumb (stupid! stupid!) part, was that I did indeed talk with her, briefly (just some small talk -- kickball small talk, at that), and did not get her name, let alone number, relationship status or any other pertinent (or impertinent) information.

Dumb Things From Kickball, Part 1

This is from last weekend.

I'm a little behind.

Saturday, went down to the Mall for the national WAKA kickball finals with Lon, who very nearly got us shot.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It was a gorgeous, gorgeous day: high 80s, no humidity, occasional clouds and a nice breeze.

I was wearing a sleeveless tee. Otherwise known as a muscle shirt.

For whatever reason (In the shade a lot? Moving faster than light?), I didn't put sunscreen on.

Hellooo, farmer's tan. Sunburn, actually.

At least I was wearing a hat.

We left for the afterparty, heading back to the car, which was parked by the Dept. of Agriculture building.

Carrying our folding chairs in the provided bags slung over our shoulders.

Cutting across the lawn, getting real close to the building.

Hey, what's that whistle?

Who's yelling?

Oh, it's a Federal Protective Service uniformed officer, about 200 yards behind us.

I couldn't quite hear what he was saying, but I'm pretty sure it was more along the lines of "Hold it right there" instead of "Please get off the lawn."

We didn't stop.

Lon, in a moment of pique, also decided to cut the corner through the parking lot.

I didn't.

Anyway, we made a clean getaway.

Unsaving the Earth 2

Apparently, the 7-11 refillable coffee cup that I bought and left in the office kitchenette overnight last night was flimsy enough to fool the cleaning staff into believing it was a disposable beverage container.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Unsaving the Earth

I was making my breakfast of grits in the office kitchenette. The one closest to my cube is tiny and has an inconveniently placed I-beam in the middle of it.

Not really relevant.

I was also filling my coffee cup.

When I am making grits and coffee, I like to forego the stirrer and use my spoon.

Save that little bit of plastic for another day.

So, I was stirring my coffee with my spoon.

When I was done stirring, I promptly (and with great dexterity) flipped the spoon into the trash.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Food Dumbness

I used my George Foreman grill for the first time last night, to make chicken burgers.

It went pretty well, except for one hitch during prep.

I was using some leftover Baja Fresh salsa, which was in little plastic solo containers, inside a paper bag.

One of the containers had leaked, soaking the bottom of the bag.

When I picked up the bag, the containers dropped out the bottom.

One burst open with fierce intensity.

The splatter pattern indicated forward movement.

Also, I made a sandwich on Monday. Maple smoked turkey and turkey pastrami on Afghani-style flatbread, with horseradish.

It is now Thursday and I still haven't eaten it.

I even put a post-it on the door last night that said "Get Sandwich, Dummy"

Went right by it.

At least it's still in the fridge.

Not left on the kitchen counter, as I normally do.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Dynamic Fluids

Scenario: While washing dishes, you come across a 1.5 pint glass previously liberated from a national chain brewery/restaurant.

The glass is slightly less than half full of water. In order to swab out the bottom, you tilt the glass and push the soapy sponge forcefully into the bottom of the glass.

Applying your knowledge of the principles of displacement, does the water:

A.) Compress into a small mass at the bottom of the glass.

B.) Maintain surface tension and flow down the outside of the glass, down the drain.

C.) Jet forth from the mouth of the glass, soak your shirt and puddle down onto the floor.

Bonus Credit: Prior to washing, what liquid did the glass previously consume? Explain your reasoning.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Rollerblade Saga Complete (...Or Is It?)

So, I finally put the wheels back on my skates.

It's been six weeks.

I'm pretty sure the bearings are in substantially worse shape than they were before.

Leaving them soaking in Simple Green for a week will do that.

Also, I bought the wrong flex-drive for my Craftsman-branded Rotozip.

Thankfully, Sears has a liberal return policy.

I didn't need it, but I exchanged it for the right one anyway.

Grinding wheels throw off a lot of sparks, by the way. Good thing I bought safety glasses.

I also had to buy a really big screwdriver.

Then of course, I had to get some grease for the bearings.

The only way it could have been dumber would be if I forgot to flip and rotate the wheels when I put everything back together.

I should probably just have bagged it and bought some K2s.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Things I Did Not Do

* Did not watch Deep Impact hit Tempel 1, even though I was awake. (I think I was playing Xbox)

* Remember the rest of this list.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Don't Try to Run a Cop Off the Road

Coming home at around 11pm last night, I was waiting in the right lane of a double left turn lane.

Yes, I was in my car.

To my left was a Fairfax County Police cruiser.

No problem, nothing to be worried about. I hadn't been drinking, because I was just coming back from work. But I was really tired. (Now, coming back from work at 11pm on the Friday before a 3-day weekend? That's dumb, too.)

Now, it was a double left turn onto a stretch of Reston Parkway that crosses over the Toll Road, so it's a little odd, because you've got two travel lanes, two left exit lanes, and a right exit lane.

Well, as I was turning, I nearly sideswiped the cop.

I saw the line (it was faded), saw I was over it, saw him swerve.

Saw him shortly after drop in behind me.

Saw him follow me towards the Taco Bell (which is where I was headed, it being after 11pm and all).

Saw him take the alternate entrance, and then saw him behind me in the drive-in line.

Had I mentioned that I was still carrying my expired registration?

The new version was in my bag, in the trunk.

At least I put my new sticker on that morning.

Anyway, I ended up not getting pulled over.

I guess he was hungry, too.

Plus, I deftly avoided some guy who cut me off, as the cop was behind me watching.